May 25, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on a airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow.

Nessa Rapoport, A Woman's Book of Grieving

Macbeth's Poison is Morty's Friend

Deadly Nightshade or Atropa Belladonna is a herbaceous perennial of many uses. It can be quite toxic as employed by Macbeth to kill the troops of Harold Harefoot King of England or Livia who did in Augustus, her Emperor husband in this way (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atropa_belladonna). As a recreational drug it apparently produces vivid hallucinations and delirium but in a diluted form it has healing properties and is effective in stopping acute pain. That's been my observation with Morty these past days. It has been a rough couple of weeks as Morty's cancer had a growth spurt around the beginning of January and actually broke through the gum in his jaw forming a fast growing tumor where the abscessed teeth he had pulled in November used to be.


Chondro Sarcoma: Warning Graphic Imagery

His anti-inflammatory medication (metacam) was no longer keeping him comfortable as exhibited by head shaking / rubbing and intense belabored panting, so tramadol, an opioid was prescribed in addition. It helps but is also not great for the liver especially in combination with the diuretic he already gets because of his enlarged heart.

Luckily i found The Healing Place http://www.healingplace.ca/ and Julie Anne Lee (with Morty in the photo below) who is allowing us to access her homeopathic clinic on a 'pay when you can' basis.
On our first visit, Julie and her team spent close to 2 hours with Morty and I: combed through his medical records of the past 11 and a half years and examined him from head to toe with the goal of developing a health plan that will a) keep him comfortable and pain free and b) put the cancer in remission i.e. shrink and stop the tumor from growing for as long as possible. The latter is a best case scenario, impossible to predict if it will work and if so how long it will last. I am hopeful but also aware as was pointed out that Morty's medical history indicates an auto-immune deficiency not uncommon in dogs who have experienced trauma and abuse at an early age. On top of that, according to our new friends' assessment of the biopsy report, the cancerous cells are multiplying rapidly with a high probability of metathesis. Looking at how fast the disease has progressed since diagnosis in mid-November that would give him about a month and a half before quality of life gives way to unbearable pain and suffering. Still i am hopeful and not ready to give up. Especially, since Morty's pain and discomfort have been significantly reduced thanks to the belladonna. It's wonderful to see him so calm and breathing with ease.

Taking it day by day we will try and reduce the meds that are hurting his kidney and liver as well as initiate homeopathic remedies to inhibit tumor growth. Remarkably, Morty does not appear heavily impacted by what is happening to his body. Apart from being somewhat more sensitive to noise and crowds he is his old self although he does seem most chilled at home. Yet when someone comes over he grabs his toys and invites the friend to play, wakes up eager for breakfast and is terribly excited when i prepare to leave the house and he knows he can come. And so i will follow suit and deal with his cancer in a way that does not take over every bit of space and time - we will keep having fun, visiting with old friends (Jeet Kei came by) and appreciating the beauty that surrounds us like today at Iona Beach.

4 Days Without Food or Water

This is the earliest photo I have of Morty - I think it was taken in February of 1999 so about 6 months after we all moved into the 'Castle' in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside just beside Oppenheimer Park. The 'castle' was an older Victorian owned by a painter and creator of mosaics (Big Al). He had built a wall around his house and had plans to create a moat of sorts - every day he would dig up remarkable amounts of earth and carry it bucket for bucket to his truck (to be dumped surreptitiously at various constructions sites during the wee hours). Al was creating a basement (he could already almost stand under portions of the house and he was a big guy - 6 ft plus). He eventually wanted to reinforce the foundation with cement but never seemed to have the cash hence the increasing wobbliness of our home and some very disturbing shaking and shuddering whenever a truck passed by on Cordova.
Morty had come with Jeet Kei, my new roommate, an Asian hip hop artist I had met in Venice where I helped organize a conference 9 years earlier. They had been living in the same house - Morty in the basement suite with a deplorable human male - an alcoholic who alternated between dishing out beatings to his wife or Morty - Jeet Kei lived upstairs with his girlfriend who was planning a rescue action and looking for someone who could take care of a young wolf dog. The plot was preempted however when despicable guy moved out in a hurry. It so happened that Jeet Kei and his girlfriend were away for a week on the Sunshine Coast and returned home only to find their neighbors gone. At first they were dismayed to have missed their chance at rescuing Morty but they soon realized that a very hungry and thirsty wolf dog was still there - locked in the basement where he had been almost 4 days. I know that Morty will always be grateful to Jeet Kei for saving him. When we last saw him a few years ago, Morty would simply not stop kissing him. I'm grateful to Jeet Kei as well. He had been with Morty about 6 months when I came onto the scene and was incredibly gracious about letting him go. We stayed roommates for about a year and talked about shared custody arrangements should we go separate ways but essentially it was clear that Morty would go with me. I remember his apt description of the situation: "I think Morty knows that you need him more than I do". And need him I did. I was alone in a new city and back in a country I had left 18 years before. Morty was a handful and he kept me really busy and occupied while job searching and trying to build a new life. May be it was post traumatic stress or simply the terrible twos but Morty got in to a lot of trouble - he once bit a rottweiler in Stanley Park causing the irate owners to alert police. Fortunately, the responding officer seemed to know dogs and accepted my explanation (the rotti had invaded our territory by bounding across our beach towel on the grass in pursuit of his ball and Morty's had just nicked his ear to let him know - typical dog behaviour). we did receive a severe warning, however, that Morty was now registered with the pound and any other offenses could result in his being deemed vicious and locked away for a 21 day observation period (!).
I made it a point to move on quickly the next time Morty got into trouble. We were exploring the city with my closest friend from Germany when Morty discovered skateboarders and felt they needed to be stopped. He grabbed one in the calf before I could intervene and caused a nasty rip in some very expensive trousers - we coughed up a couple hundred bucks with no argument and hurried home before any numbers were exchanged.
Worst and final case was the older homeless woman close to home. She was wearing dark glasses and a hat that Morty attempted to remove before I could pull him off luckily before any harm was done. They actually did become friends eventually. He still doesn't like people who don't show their eyes but fortunately has never actually demonstrated his feelings on the matter again.
These incidents all happened within a couple of months and they stopped as quickly as they had occurred. I had visitors from Germany again and we drove over to the Island to see the sights. It was Morty's first trip and although he loved to ride in the car he was not happy in motels. I tried to leave him in the room only once - he almost came through the window after throwing himself at the door several times. I guess the experience with deplorable alcoholic beater guy had
left his mark and most indelibly with regards to separation. Morty does not like to be left alone and gets quite stressed at moves. Fortunately, he loves wheels and I do think it comes from that first road trip on Vancouver Island where he discovered that while we would change motel rooms every night, our car was always the same. To this day Morty would much rather stay in the car than at home. I think it's his safe place - a panic room of sorts - about a year ago, hours before a huge wind storm swept through the Okanagan Valley, Morty went to the van and just begged to get in. It was all I could do to convince him that we were safe in our apartment.
Morty is a survivor. He takes life as it comes and deals. I am most amazed at how few scars he bears from the hardship of his early years. He seems to have a never ending supply of love and gratitude for any little thing I do for him - be it food which he lives for, a walk or me just waking up in the morning and saying hello. Someone told me that a wonderful thing about dogs is that they never cease to make you smile at least 3, 4 times a day. This is definitely true.
The best part of that trip to the Island was Morty's discovery of the ocean. He just couldn't get enough and played in the wild waters of Long Beach for hours and ran with other dogs. When we returned to the city he was calmer and more relaxed. Jeet Kei called it his coming of age journey. It was the first of many road trips to come.